I am better
when they turn three
I tell myself
as I look at the clock
and feel guilty
for wishing
it was bedtime
already
then she asks
for the six hundredth time
if she can watch videos
on my phone
and I ask my husband
can you feed them
and play with them
while I lie on the couch
and he says yes
either because he loves me
or because he’s scared
of what might happen
if I don’t
she asks about the phone again
and I wonder if I should make her watch
a whole day of Wheels on the Bus
like when they made you smoke a pack
of cigarettes in the closet
but instead I prop myself up
and try to sound
friendly
I ask her if she wants
an elephant
as a snack
she says yes
so I pull an imaginary one
out of my pocket
and she pretends to eat it
I ask her if she wants another one
which she does
so we do it again
and she laughs
I ask her if she wants a pig
this time
but she shakes her head
no, mama
I too full
which makes me laugh
and also want to cry a bit
and kiss her nose
and start the whole night over
but I know
that it would only be for me
because in her relentless tide
of days and nights
she just needs me
to be like the sun
to be warm
and show up
again tomorrow.