2016-01-15T06:12:47-08:00January 15th, 2016|Parenthood|

Start the whole night over

I am better
when they turn three

I tell myself
as I look at the clock
and feel guilty
for wishing
it was bedtime

then she asks
for the six hundredth time
if she can watch videos
on my phone

and I ask my husband

can you feed them
and play with them
while I lie on the couch

and he says yes
either because he loves me
or because he’s scared
of what might happen
if I don’t

she asks about the phone again
and I wonder if I should make her watch
a whole day of Wheels on the Bus
like when they made you smoke a pack
of cigarettes in the closet

but instead I prop myself up
and try to sound

I ask her if she wants
an elephant
as a snack

she says yes
so I pull an imaginary one
out of my pocket
and she pretends to eat it

I ask her if she wants another one
which she does
so we do it again
and she laughs

I ask her if she wants a pig
this time
but she shakes her head

no, mama
I too full

which makes me laugh
and also want to cry a bit
and kiss her nose
and start the whole night over
but I know
that it would only be for me

because in her relentless tide
of days and nights
she just needs me
to be like the sun

to be warm
and show up
again tomorrow.

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